Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.

My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.

Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.

It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

I hear you like horror movies

You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off

*winks forever*

Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this

You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted

To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…

Somebody has to say it.

GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.

My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing

On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)

A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.

*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.

*acts sassy*

*flips hair*

*walks into a wall*

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex

me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags

me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis

Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes

Me: So what?

K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts

M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out

Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.

“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness

Judge: How do you plead?

Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?

ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you

your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.

I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze

Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.

What I heard: Ma’am

One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.