Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?

*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*

COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha

ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild

Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…

Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic

Costume idea:

Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.

Others: I run so I can eat pizza

Me: I just…eat pizza

“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well

Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?

“You’re saying it’s all an act?

Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.

[walking into Sephora]

me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.

my husband: I’m right here you know

GMO bananas: turn brown for what?

i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”

*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW

Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.

My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.

Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?

I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.

If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now

These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them

Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out

“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently

even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.

Be the reason she can’t walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~

Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.

*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date

I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!

My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart

Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka

Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”

Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there

There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”

me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that