Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*

Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE

According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.

The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

Dammit Chief not again

I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still

I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.

Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you

I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.

I wished that I won’t die a virgin.

Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life

What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?

I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.

You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.

turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey

*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*

[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]

me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.

🤣

I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.

i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot

Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …

If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.

A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?

Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.

88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.

Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”

me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”

W-“no”

Me- “who’s the expert now?”

I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.

Reasons I wish I was an octopus:

1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.

2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.

3. Stop sign hugs.