Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.

Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help

The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.

HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.

ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!

the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors

Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”

Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.

Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.

I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.

I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.

I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.

#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.

Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?

[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*

I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too

‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.

*goes to Walmart*

*goes to Target*

*flies across world*

*takes train*

*rides in car*

*hikes highest mountain*

*gets to Guru*

Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?

A friend helps you before you need it

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength

What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.

🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner

Wife: Don’t tweet that

Me: *thinks about it*

Wife: I’ll divorce you

Me: *thinks harder*

Wife: And give you all 4 kids

Me: *hits delete*

Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.

And that’s why you clean your room, kids.

For an extra ten bucks Lyft will pick you up in a black SUV but I’ll go as high as $30 if I can ride to work in a taco truck.

Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine

I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.

I just want to turn off a light …

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.

I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish