Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos

see you in hell you stupid fruit

Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.

instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club

Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.

When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work

three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs

ㅤ

If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?

I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.

Always a housemaid, never a house.

David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.

Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-

funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one

I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.

Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition

Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!

Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train

[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please

Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.

*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy

You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.

I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.

“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire

ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house

When I was a kid, I literally thought “This little pig went to market” meant it went shopping.

Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.

I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.

Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.

Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.

No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.