A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
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Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu