6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
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My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
it was the f*ck this of times
it was the f*ck that of times
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?