Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]

My astrological sign is KFC gravy

“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”

“They all called to say they’re running late”

i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips

Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!

Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*

[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’

Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.

My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?

God: *frowns*

Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.

[text from friend)

Her: You doing okay?

Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?

People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.

Kid: Hey Mom.

Me: I’m asleep.

Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?

Me: I’M AWAKE.

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied

Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.

Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.

reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:

-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching

Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life

*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*

I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off

My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.

The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.

Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.

Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.

It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.

well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads

One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again

If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids

If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady

If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch

Women can’t win

Leia: You owe child support.

Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.

Leia: You’re standing right here

Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*

[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?

“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”

*Go to a bar you Hate

*Put $50 in the Jukebox

*Play nothing but Nickelback

*Leave

cop: can you describe the suspect

witness: he was no more than 6 feet

cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head