Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.

Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.

Signs you’re a man:

*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.

*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.

Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.

Wednesday

[travels back in time]

[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]

When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.

My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.

so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?

[first day as librarian]

guy: i’m looking for a book—

me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK

I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.

Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.

I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.

Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…

Body: LOL.

Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.

Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly

Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.

i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.

people who do mutinies should be called mutants

scarecrow: i need a brain!

tin man: i need a heart!

me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item

dorothy: again, he’s not with us

Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.

*Weird bird sound in the distance*

4 year old: “what’s that ?”

Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”

4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation

my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?

“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”

“Get out of my hamper.”

All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.

After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.

Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project

me: i won employee of the month

her: ur self-employed

me:

her:

me: i also got demoted

– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?

– Rhino

– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn

*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap

*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit

*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot