Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Find everything OK, sir?

Everything except happiness!

You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!

We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined

4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.

Me: What am I?

4-year-old: In the way.

*courtroom*

judge: I hear you want a new lawyer

me: yes I do

judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario

me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing

Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk

Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae

Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back

Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.

Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work

Him: I-

Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER

I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.

After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!

astronaut: houston come in

houston: this had better be important

astronaut: it’s urgent

houston: fine what

astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float

I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.

My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…

Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”

Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.

Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”

“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”

On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.

Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.

Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.

Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”

Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?

As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.

Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.

If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.

If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.

[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.

My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.

Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”

Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”

As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.

ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.

To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms

Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.

which auto response should i send back to my dentist?

[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]

@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.

[during prison riot]

cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?

me: *shakes magic 8 ball*

magic 8 ball: ask again later

me: shoot hang on