6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
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Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
my mom making me talk to relatives
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.