Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.

Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?

Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?

Me: oh.

Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?

Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.

I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes

Mario: you’re a dinosaur.

Yoshi: ok.

Mario: you can jump really high.

Yoshi: nice.

Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.

Yoshi: makes sense.

Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.

Yoshi: wait-what?

Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.

then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing

My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.

wife: did you get the kids from daycare?

me: we don’t have any kids

wife: yeah you were supposed to get some

i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry

My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am

[inventor of the mirror]

“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”

“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.

marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u

“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”

~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person

Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.

Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.

Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”

People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.

Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?

Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.

My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?

Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy

I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car

Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.

Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!

Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!

Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens

Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.

🤣😂🤣😂

People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic

Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.

Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey