[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
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Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
santa getting shot down over jersey this year isn’t he
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
🙅🏻
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*