[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
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I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.