[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
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Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
A completely valid reaction tbh
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
for all #parents out there
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.