[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
You Might Also Like
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄