Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her

I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.

If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.

*Starts new job*

Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂

No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon

i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy

Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?

Me: yeah, kind of like-

*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*

Son: like that?

Me: exactly like that

If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body

[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood

[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.

My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”

“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.

Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price

Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.

Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs

Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away

A bird: you’ve got me there

Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is

A bird: pardon

When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”

*Condom Co*

[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]

“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”

ME: Ribbit

“Genius”

me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-

boss: *leans in and whispers*

me: essential. they say i’m essential.

Playdough smells better than other philosophers

I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.

If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*