Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s Day

MAR 16: middle child, left out as usual

If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.

Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money

it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼‍♀️

I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.

My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot

victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*

murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again

(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide

I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.

Before crowbars crows drank alone

Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot

Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.

how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest

I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?

*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*

*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*

I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.

If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.

Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.

I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

Customize Your Wedding.

Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?

do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators

HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.

Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant