6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
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If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.