6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
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Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
when dads have a rap battle
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
My dad.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja