Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed

“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”

What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?

I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*

Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?

me: absolutely

daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done

Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.

Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.

I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.

If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.

*bedtime*

Me: What does Winnie sleep in?

10: Dad… no

Me: POOJAMAS!!

10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.

“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”

-Sir Smirnoff

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”

Me: “He’s my service dog.”

My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”

Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.

“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast

[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]

Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?

You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH

Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers

I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.

me: you ever have conversations in your head?

me: lmao no

i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.

A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.

ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”

YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants

One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.

[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no

My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.

Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.