Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you

that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”

[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*

HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss

Me: “ok”

A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.

nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!

If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days

[Looks under visor]

Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham

If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.

I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed

3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game

Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve

[job interview]

“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”

*takes long drag from cigarette*

Not that I’m aware of.

[job interview]

BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person

ME: Well I’m definitely a human

What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids

What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use

Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.

IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP

Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real

Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.

If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.

The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed

That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.

The rest of the year

May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators

I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.

I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit

Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME

Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?

12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.

Someone likes to live life dangerously.

Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.

Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.

santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade