Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it

My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there

Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.

China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.

me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy

husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-

me:

husband: I’ll go get more batteries

IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.

Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.

If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.

If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.

[philosophy class]

PROFESSOR: u must question everything

[later]

ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!

Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world

Smokey the bear: o hell no

Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess

I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.

(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)

PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!

hacker: got them. all the social security numbers

boss: good work

[later getting back from the bank]

boss: ok apparently we need names too

hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm

Welcome to the stomach

Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?

WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.

Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”

i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.

You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.

Ugh, I hate when my coworkers try to message me during my online shopping hours.

Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow

god: *creates human* whatcha think?

angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?

god: *adds shins* now it will

The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.

Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”

Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”

Waiter: And what would you like sir?

Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.

Entire restaurant: *gasps*

[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?

Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.

I’m their teacher.