Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie

Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.

“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”

If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation

If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping

Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…

“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”

-my brain

I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.

ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?

Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Not a single soul on this Earth:

Not even their mom:

iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”

4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.

4: You told me not to lie.

Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…

TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties

Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself

I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.

My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”

My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*

Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”

*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”

Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.

What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?

Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.

I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked

Me: No.

My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.

Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”

Also Americans:

Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub