Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?

*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”

I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.

It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant

Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.

True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.

Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink

I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work

” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information

I’m about to risk it all

Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together

Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level

I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.

I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.

I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.

The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake

I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.

Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.

Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?

[1st time doing the sex]

her: wanna get on top

me: uh, sure

[later]

me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up

Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?

IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.

[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.

New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.

I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’

A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]

Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.

Is this anything

Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement