6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
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The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.
chat, i am full of concern
Spell check is for lasers.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?