Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”

– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip

[spreading rumors]

me: R
O
R
U M
S

If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.

I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”

15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.

How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!

If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions

olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics

indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure

idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again

Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]

Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?

fixed it

*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*

*grabs whip*

*flicks whip*

*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*

Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.

Me: …dare.

God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference

My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”

If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.

The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.

You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.

Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”

Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”

Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.

An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?

Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight

Narrator: He did not play his cards right

I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.

“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now

Judge: I’d like to call recess.

Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!

Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.

EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon

I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.

what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??

Me: I think that’s Dave

Wife: It’s not Dave

Me: Gonna wave to him

Wife: Don’t!

Me: Hey Dave!

Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000

Me: It’s not Dave