Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing

You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash

Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…

Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*

Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?

I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…

Her: “Move.”

[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy

When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.

Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…

Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.

FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”

Who the hell does that in a sock?!?

*squishes out of the room*

Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!

An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.

Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.

computer: choose a password

me: TheScarletLetter

computer: password cannot contain symbols

Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”

If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga

My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?

Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.

*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”

So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive

SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet

ME: [drives past turn]

SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]

Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”

[text]

Me: Where are you?

Boy: home

Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.

If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.

A kebab made by a librarian is a

Shhhhhish kebab

#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe

This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step

As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant

He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices

i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword

Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs