Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.

[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”

Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.

[Starbucks Assassins Inc]

CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John

BARISTA: [writes] Jamie

C: Ok. Memorise it

B: [eyes shut] Janet

Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)

When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?

The Assassin.

*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.

I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.

But the haters are really getting to me.

1/

alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right

me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”

My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.

“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”

gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic

I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.

Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.

wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?

me: ok I know this looks bad

me: it needs a belt right?

“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.

When customers come in 6 hours before closing

127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake

Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.

“Let’s circle back”

– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring

“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”

– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about

The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.

Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.

Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.

My doctor wants me to take a stress test.

I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.

A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.

I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes