Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

haha same

Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.

Little known trivia:

If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.

[At the car dealership]

Me: See, this has everything I want, right here

Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale

If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife

—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.

—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.

i just found this in my phone

ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No

Gas stations be like:

Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.

As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job

When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less

The guy:

If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?

Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?

Parents: go to your room.

Perfect

Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many

Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily

Me at 10.10 pm: dang it

Me: What’s your favorite fruit?

Son #2: Tacos.

Me: No, I said fruit.

S2: You have my answer.

Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.

Goodnight honey.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

The stork flies them in.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Wind resistance. Go to sleep.

I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.

Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.

I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.

“Nevertheless”

~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie

If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.

My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅

4th year is going well.

the chicken was already gone when I got here

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor

Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.

Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,

There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.

i smell a pulitzer