6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
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Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Happy to report that I have finally digested all the stuffing I ate since Thursday. Now onto to the mashed potatoes
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.