Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes

okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?

Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.

Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.

*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!

Schrödinger’s Dumpster

Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”

Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.

WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you

NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!

ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you

Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?

why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over

(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.

I dumbed there ONE time and now this.

Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin

I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.

hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping

FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN

[frogs start falling from sky]

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.

Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.

*whispers* forlorn corn.

me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.

my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?

Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?

just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great

13: can I play video games?

ME: yep

WIFE: nope

ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice

Manager: just got a quick little job for you

Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job

Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.

A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.

NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money