Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys

[at the club]

Me: I got the moves

Her: it’s “runs”

Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell

HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.

My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.

All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.

My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol

Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget

It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories

Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma

To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?

The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.

Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust

The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about

Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.

Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??

5: I’m bad at this puzzle

Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!

5: yeah, because you’re bad at it

Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.

grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today

me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes

*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*

Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship

2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk

People who wear cycle helmets with a little camera on the top can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them

Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.

His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble

I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity

handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening

me: *nodding* ghosts

handyman: …this screw is loose

me: ah.

handyman:

me:

handyman:

me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?

Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we

Pirate: No

TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.

What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?

Oh boy, $150,000!

What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?

When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.