Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?

waiter: no they can’t reach the table

I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business

Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.

Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!

Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?

Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX

i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day

Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.

Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*

Me: Dammit.

Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.

Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen

There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.

Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.

I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.

*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*

Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”

Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”

Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.

me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s

my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot

Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“

I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:

Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1

Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.

If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.

[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs

yo who decided that the standard lullabies for children are about people dying of bubonic plague or baby cradles falling out of trees

My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw

Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!

DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush

ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing

Me: One coffee please.

Barista: Name for the cup?

Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.

Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”

Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.

these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some