Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave

interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?

me : …so I can pay my electricity bills

SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*

NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!

SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there

I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.

In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot

I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.

Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%

The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.

STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.

Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind

Rainbows

Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone

Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.

“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”

Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.

BFF: Why you lying?

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst

Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible

Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*

DC: Which room will you be working out in?

Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.

Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.

virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤

coronavirus: i got this

[later]

virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?

coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel

For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”

My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime

Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit

no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden

the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?

The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned