Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making

I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout

💀 😭

whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it

Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.

Just had my nails done!

boat question

ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.

Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.

Fun times

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.

*buys shed at B&Q*

B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?

Me: No, it’s going in the garden.

B&Q:

Me:

B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.

“Describe yourself in 4 words.”

Bad at counting.

After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.

COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.

My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days

wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry

[climbing inside trojan horse]

general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!

Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.

Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.

Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”

A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.

Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.

Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.

At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.

[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper

Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker

Police officer: You get to make one phone call.

Me: Do I have to?

Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*

A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”