6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
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I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.