6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
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If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*