6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
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reminder
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?😶
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?