Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get

You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch

*Paranormal Factivity*

[I walk into my bathroom]

“OH MY GOD”

[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]

Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?

(after sex)

Would you mind completing this brief survey?

Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*

Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older

I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.

I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.

*reads your mind*

*decides to wait for the movie*

My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.

Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?

Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.

You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.

ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.

Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.

{swallowed by a whale}

Me: gross. It’s so-

Whale: don’t you say it

Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!

Whale: *throws me up*

It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.

I know karate and tons of other words.

I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.

[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave

Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?

3:

Me: Do a puzzle?

3:

Me: Paint?

3:

Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.

3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]

APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too

I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.

“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”

– inventor of the bagpipe