God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
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What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
sliding into dms like
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO