*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
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villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!
dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-
frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*
dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
An odd boast
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
I always forget my reusable shopping bag when I go to buy some food. So I purposely put it in my bag this morning and forgot to go and buy the food
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
These are dark times.
~me, everyday at 4pm
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber
coworker: what adorable costumes!
me: costumes?
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?