Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[working late]

ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.

CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.

ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.

If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.

I’m doing Bikram yoga today.

By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.

scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left

aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?

sientist: ause it’s your fault

I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore

Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts

Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts

I’m in a really bad place right now*

*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?

Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.

me: everything has bluetooth these days

dentist: no ya that’s not normal

I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.

He asked me to pay in advance.

Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are

Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning

[first day of quidditch practice]

Remember kids, witches get snitches.

Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.

Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.

Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!

Cobra: the what

Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.

I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.

In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”

Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.

I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”

[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit

12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day

– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.

If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola

Hallmark movie writer’s room:

“Alright, let’s get started.”

(4 minutes later)

“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”

Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates

at the salon thinking of going darker for winter

maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl

Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.