*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
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me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
#parenting
Taking phone security to the next level.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”