6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
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Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
What a year we’ve had this week.
I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Just parrot things
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
“The weatherman isn’t real!”
-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character