@TheAlexNevil

6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”

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@CornOnTheGoblin

wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no

@_salt_n_lime

Just sent my husband a text meant for my bf and now he thinks I want to have sex.

@lecalabara

Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.

@CAshmanActor

[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one

@Douchekevin

Girlfriend kept nagging me to take her home to meet my family, so I did. Her and my wife aren’t getting along.

@MeepisMurder

in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on

@markydoodoo

FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.

@thepaulahunt

When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.

When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.

Fine.