6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
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I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Meanwhile in Portland…
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early