Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability

You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.

“What?”
– Jude

Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-

During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.

Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad

captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack

me: i have a BA in english

guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there

“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”

When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that

what’s really going on

Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!

Me: I am

Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!

Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.

If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!

If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.

Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?

Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.

Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?

ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.

Passport agent:

My mother is the strongest woman I know.

You should see how far she could throw a shoe.

The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.

me: congrats, when is the baby due

pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it

My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other

I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here

I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…

“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.

This was a choice made.

Black Friday at the LEGO store, people were lined up for blocks

my brain: i hate that person

that person: hey that thing you wrote was great

my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities

My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”

oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.

Nobody invites me to spa day…

Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.

GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.