6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
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GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Like your own tweets baby, no one will know anyway.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
[unwrapping gift] oh wow, an item. I love these
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around