6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
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Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
☠️
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?