6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
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why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.