Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.

At Walmart during the holidays like..

I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..

God: you’re my son

Jesus: do I have super powers 😀

God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread

Jesus: :/

God: …fish

Jesus: so who’s my enemy

God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm

Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁

God: oh he’s super duper cool

me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂

noah: you did WHAT

10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.

Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!

I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.

Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.

me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?

therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy

Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.

My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.

I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.

how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha

God *creates birds*

I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.

Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?

A. It was a boo meringue

Not reading the replies to this

im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back

NASA: The moon is wobbling.

Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same

You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t

WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?

me: how can I seem confident on my date?

friend: act like you own the place

[later]

her: thanks for picking me up

me: where’s the rent

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

Them: We should go for a walk in the park

Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?

Them:

Me: Oh right, exercise

Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway

Me: what no

Judge: then who did

Me: bro literally everyone else

You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.

First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.

ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that