Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home

age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.

Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.

The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.

And send

In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.

Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?

Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water

Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there

Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.

Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!

*looks at wife, wife shakes her head

Me: I’m not allowed

*kicks dirt

time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain

Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.

I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”

Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…

Single and childfree like Jesus

*3yo’s birthday*

Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?

3yo: ok *blows hard*

Me: great job

3yo: great blow job

Me:

3yo: ?

Me: …. just eat the cake

WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.

ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.

You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.

You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.

Cashier: That will be $82.07.

Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.

Cashier: That will be $82.03.

fedex driver: can i get a name?

sauron: i have many names

fedex driver: ok i just need one tho

If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence

Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds

Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds

One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.

One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.

never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos

Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”

Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”

Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No

Me: Your wifi isn’t working

Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!

Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder

[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late

I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.