Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.

Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special

Husband: Deal

and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots

I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard

Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…

Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.

Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows

“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.

I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.

I’ve had him about an hour now.

Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.

My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.

For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.

Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult

You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.

This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”

Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.

Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.

Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.

I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.

I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.

When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.

A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.

The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.

This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.

me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”

friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”

me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”

*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.

*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!

*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*

I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy

You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought

me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order