6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
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*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
my friends when i can’t do basic math
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg