Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.

I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh

Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.

[Weekend in NYC with my wife]

Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?

Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue

The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.

HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”

Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”

My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.

Where’s a careening bus when you need it?

When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.

[Friday morning meeting]

Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*

Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.

Me: It’s Friday the 13th?

Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –

Me: And I must never open it?

Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up

When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.

UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?

Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled

Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened

[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!

*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.

😂😂

Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.

If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.

*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*

Adds magician to resume

A short story of betrayal:

I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.

My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.

[blind date]

HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato

ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it

Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.

My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.

The toothpick museum hates to see me and my mini chainsaw coming.

I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.

Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?

My boys are gamers and I’m single

It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries

A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table