6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
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8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
omg the susans have started to replicate please send he
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”