6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
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[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.