Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ovenable?

People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.

But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.

I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.

Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.

Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.

Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.

Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.

Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.

when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse

A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?

John Cougar Melon Camp

Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.

I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.

Day two of homeschooling.

I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.

Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow

Me: Left hand, red

Me: Left foot, green

Police sketch artist: this can’t be true

two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???

My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.

Me *texting* I found a genie!

Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid

Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what

I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS

🌲😼

My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.

[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.

Just know I tried.

[friend is showing me around his city]

HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital

ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital

My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing

me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]

fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO

Me: What are you doing?

4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.

The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.

My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.

I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.

My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.