Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-

Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]

Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream

Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.

Google: and you want to represent us?

Me: yes, I am very qualified

Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room

Me: overruled

It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.

whatcha thinkin bout

This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.

Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.

ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!

Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone

Wedlock even sounds like a threat.

If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it

I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.

Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed

It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying

He looks like he’s got a lot to say

Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”

For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident

THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.

Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.

I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…

waiting for me in the fridge at home.

ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no

Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please

Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.

Polite kitties have good etiquecat

Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out

i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me

“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life