6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
You Might Also Like
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Schrödinger’s cookie
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Go bears!
(I’m not watching football I just hate salmon)
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.