Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”

“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”

Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.

Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too

I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.

I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.

Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.

*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*

My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.

[text]

Her: I picked up buffalo wings.

Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting

Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,

WE HATE YOU!

Sincerely,

Everyone born in December.

Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006

[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”

“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.

me: is this vegan friendly?

waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend

I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.

I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷‍♀️

Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good

I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.

I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.

[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?

I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.

doctor: open up

me: it all started when my dad left

doctor: and say ahh

me: oh

doctor: no, “ahh”

how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”

Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner

When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?

Cop: I need another ticket book.

Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.