6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
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Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby