6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
She took all my money, called me fat, AND stabbed me in the arm. I hate doctor appointments.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
