6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
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Still hold my high school’s record for shortest javelin toss.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when