6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
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I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist
😆this is so true
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale