6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
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I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering