6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
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I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast