Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.

My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks

CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE

Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck

I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!

*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)

I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?

How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?

Do you just call them and say you can’t come

“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”

What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?

[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.

if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times

[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”

When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.

bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”

…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??

As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.

Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*

My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.

Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.

2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.

Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.

Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon

I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.

It’s like my nana once said….

You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?

Computer: choose a password

Me: mysocks

Computer: confirm password

Me: mysocks

Computer: passwords do not match

if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest

When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.

“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”

Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?