Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.

I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“

…As if I plan on eating it.

she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”

The dark side of Canada

HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]

The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.

But I really needed water water water

911: What’s your emergency?

THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE

911: Barista?

IT’S A GUY. BARISTO

911: No, it’s still-

Nm he’s dead now

There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.

The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.

I’m in a really bad place right now*

*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house

I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.

Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Ffs

Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?

Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.

HFD:

Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.

[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]

My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.

Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.

Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?

Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”

Me: “When can I start?”

Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business

I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.

*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.

me: want to go to the ice rink?

friend: i can’t stand ice skating

me: you’ll be able to with practice

If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?

I put my pants on like everyone else….

After sex.

Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.

Did we do it, did we save the daylight

son: she literally knows nothing

me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function

son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world

me: now you’re getting the hang of it

Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?

The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.

INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think

Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl

Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.