Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot

I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.

I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.

The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.

Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!

Me: Oh, that is so sweet-

K: *pull out paint*

Me: You really don’t-

K: *pull out glue*

Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-

K: *pull out glitter*

Me: Christmas is cancelled.

Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again

[having sex]

me: *finishing first* I win again!

wife: you really don’t

If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz

[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”

Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?

Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?

STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!

Therapist: healing isn’t linear

Me: what if I pay extra?

gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me

No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.

Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.

me: where’s the milk?

supermarket clerk: by the eggs

me: no i just want milk

The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG

My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.

Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look

My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.

So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.

I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.

[gates of Valhalla]

ODIN: did you die in battle?

[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]

ME: ya

There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”

Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?

Me: 37

*knuckle tats*

M A Y O N N A I S E

If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.