Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent

*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*

Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?

Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.

Me: Aww, a bear!

Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.

Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.

me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months

boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt

[Interview]

“Describe yourself in one word.”

Me: Lethargic.

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

This cat wants you to take your pills

philosophical skeletons be like

I should have stayed in kindergarten.

Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.

Me:

Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy

Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!

~Me. Speed dating.

I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.

Lmao

I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.

me: u ok babe?

babe: oink

[Zoo, bird show]

“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”

*bird headbutts window 50 times*

I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time

Table for six please?

“Is your party coming soon or?”

[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails

My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.

If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.

He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.

[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*

“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting

Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.

Have a lovely day 😊

boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities

me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room