6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
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You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night